I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. – Kurt Cobain

If you’ve ever bent over backwards to keep everyone happy, only to feel drained and underappreciated, you’re not alone. As a recovering people-pleaser, I spent years second-guessing myself, diluting my voice, and overcommitting just to avoid disappointing others. And guess what? It didn’t work. No matter how much effort I put into making sure everyone was comfortable, there was always someone who wasn’t happy.

People-pleasing often comes from a good place – kindness, a desire to be valued, and a fear of conflict. But in reality, it’s exhausting and unsustainable. When you spend all your time making others happy, you slowly lose yourself in the process. You silence your own needs, stretch yourself too thin, and when you finally say no, you’re hit with a wave of guilt.

Sound familiar?

I relapsed recently and had to remind myself why setting boundaries isn’t selfish and why saying no doesn’t make me difficult. So, if you’re on the journey of unlearning this habit (like me), here are some practical shifts that can help you break free and prioritise yourself:

1) Stop over-apologising

I used to preface my opinions with “Sorry, but…” or “Just my thoughts, but…” – as if I needed permission to speak. Sound familiar? Over-apologising weakens your message and makes it seem like your thoughts aren’t as valid as others’.

Now, I own my voice. Instead of apologising, I say:

• “I have a few thoughts…”
• “I’d like to add a point…”
• “Here’s my perspective on this…”

It’s a small shift, but it makes a huge difference in how you’re perceived – and more importantly, in how you perceive yourself.

2) Set clear boundaries (and stick to them)

Saying yes to everything might make you seem helpful, but in reality, it dilutes your impact. I used to take on every request that came my way, thinking it would make me indispensable. Instead, it left me overwhelmed and undervalued.

Now, before agreeing to something, I pause and ask myself:

• Do I actually want to do this?
• Do I even have the capacity right now?
• Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to, or because I feel obligated?

If the answer isn’t a clear yes, then it’s probably a no. And that’s okay.

3) Get comfortable with discomfort

Saying no can feel awkward, especially when you’re used to being the ‘yes’ person. That uncomfortable knot in your stomach? That’s just your brain reacting to change. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

I’ve learned to sit with the discomfort and remind myself:

• It’s okay if someone is disappointed.
• Disagreement doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
• My worth isn’t measured by how much I do for others.

The more you practice this, the easier it gets. And the best part? You start gaining confidence in your own decisions instead of constantly seeking approval.

4) Remember: Not everyone has to like you

This was a tough one for me. I used to think that if someone didn’t like me, I must have done something wrong. But the truth is, you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea – otherwise, you’d be a mug.

Not everyone will agree with you, and not everyone will like you. That’s life. What matters is that you respect yourself and surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you truly are, not for what you can do for them.

5) Take up space

Your opinions, needs, and time are just as important as anyone else’s. People-pleasers often make themselves small to accommodate others, but you don’t have to do that anymore. Speak up. Set boundaries. Prioritise yourself without guilt.

Recovering from people-pleasing is a messy process, and I won’t pretend it’s easy. But every time you choose yourself, it gets a little bit easier. So hold your head high and remember: you don’t need everyone to love you, but you do deserve to be respected for what you do.

And never forget: you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, otherwise you’d be a mug. This is my favourite quote – so much so, I had a pin badge made!

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